Love, life and relationships

Five marriage tips from the Obamas

2009-03-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

By STACY D. PHILLIPS

Maybe it is because the Obamas have young children - younger than most who have resided in the White House in decades past - that there is such an intense focus on family values, especially in terms of how to raise children.

Then again, maybe it is the wonderful way in which the First Couple demonstrates what is meaningful to them, and what an important role a value system has in terms of their personal and familial relationships.

When Barack Obama included his daughters, Malia, 7, and Sasha, 10, in his acceptance speech, the evening of Nov 4, 2008, at Chicago's Grant Park, he talked about the puppy that would be going to the White House with them.

What impressed me most was the intent with which he let them know - "Sasha and Malia, you have earned the new puppy that will be going to the White House with us," the then-President-elect said.

The operative term "earned" is what really hit me. Obviously these two young children have already come to know that nothing is free or handed to them easily - that for all that is given much must be earned.

I can think of nothing more important than families teaching children they must work for what they get in life, not just expect everything to be handed to them, especially in a time when the news is fraught with headlines of greed among those who obviously felt they had more coming to them than a brand new puppy!

As we watch the manner in which this power couple treat one another and how they raise their two beautiful daughters, perhaps the focus will shift from the resentment toward those individuals whom the taxpayers will now have to support (those who fall under the government's new "bailout package"), to an up-and-coming generation whose focus will revolve around hard work and integrity - the bywords of what it really takes to cash in and receive what every individual ultimately deserve.

The following is a list of personal, important values I predict the Obamas will draw attention to - behaviours I believe will influence others, both in terms of how they handle their personal relationship and how they instill family values in their children:

* Time for one another as a couple. Despite their hectic schedules, the couple has made it known they will enjoy nights out together - just the two of them. Their marriage and personal relationship will thrive because they make the "care and feeding" of their relationship a priority.

* Support even on a day-to-day basis. Whether it is managing their respective professional "careers" (an understatement), or making time to nurture and care for their two daughters, this couple will show others how to operate as an effective team. We will likely see the President with his children and wife in far more photos than we did with past presidents making the point that the couple has tremendous support for one another when it comes to their family life.

* How to make significant contributions to the world in which we all live. Through example, they will show each of us how we can and must make some meaningful changes that will impact the communities in which we live to make them better by offering service to others.

* Responsible parenting. Leading by example, they will remind all parents, daily, how to make children independent, responsible, considerate, accountable and concerned for others.

* Juggle without sacrificing priorities. Illustrating each day how to handle tremendous responsibility without losing sight of what they both agreed upon as their value system - giving preference to the priorities they both have said they will honor despite their new role as First Couple.

The Obamas will likely create a buzz with most everything they do. Because they bring with them a new vitality and a youthful energy, those watching will want to emulate their traditions and behaviours.

Married couples, partners in committed relationships, and children of all ages, will be greatly influenced by the Obamas' style, and most importantly, by the way in which they implement their value systems in their everyday lives.

© 2009, Divorce360.com

Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services

5 Steps to getting what you want from your marriage

2009-03-26T15:09:00.000-07:00

By TINA TESSINA

Many people have serious trouble knowing what they want from their spouse, feeling comfortable communicating it, and stating it clearly. Many people have difficulty solving problems because they do not know what they want, or, if they do know, cannot express it effectively to their partner.

We often grow up suppressing our desires - sometimes to the extent of not even being aware of them. This can be a problem in a marriage, eventually leading to divorce.

Most of us learn in early childhood that:

* Wanting is selfish and that we should be polite and let others wants come first ("Be polite, let Susie have the toy").

* It isn't okay to want ("Don't even ask me for a cookie just before dinner").

* We want too much ("of course you can't have a new toy, do you think I'm made of money?").

* If we get what we want, someone else will be deprived. These internalized criticisms and restrictions make us anxious about getting what we want and even convinced that we won't. In addition to all these other restrictions on wanting, you may have the idea that the consequences of wanting are bad (no one will like you), and so it is too scary to know what you want. Because knowing what you want sometimes means you risk being disappointed and many people have an exaggerated idea of how bad disappointment feels (if I don't get what I want I'll be miserable), they avoid wanting at all.

Steps to getting what you want

If you have difficulty in knowing what you want and communicating it, try these steps:

1. Get clear about what you want

You can't express what you want effectively if you're not clear what it is, so before approaching your partner, your boss or your child with a request, think about it and make sure you can write it down in one clear sentence.

2. Create a good atmosphere

If asking for what you want is difficult for you, don't do it without preparation. Make sure you and the person you're asking both have time, and invite the other person to sit down and talk with you.

3. Simply state what you want

Don't preface your statement with a lot of disclaimers – they make the other person feel accused of something. Just ask, politely, for what you want.

4. Be prepared to accept a "no"

Remember, if you can't accept a no answer, then you're making a demand, not a request, so have a backup solution. Find a way to get what you want for yourself, even if the other person isn't cooperating. For example, if you don't get that raise you deserve, maybe it's time to begin a job search.

5. Listen politely to the other person's answer

Whether the other person says yes, no, or something in between, listen carefully to what he or she says. Don't get all caught up in a lot of worry and noise inside your head - pay attention. You need to know what the answer is.

If you follow these steps, you'll find you're successful a good percentage of the time, and when you aren't you have a backup plan - so you really can't lose.

Tina Tessina, PhD, has been a licensed California psychotherapist for more than 30 years. She's authored more than 11 books, including Money, Sex and Kids.

© 2009, Divorce360.com

Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services

The "L" Word

2009-02-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

Love is a heavy word.
In a romantic relationship, it implies a deep level of intimacy and caring.

Love is a verb. Saying "I love you" in words is important for many people
-- some of us can never hear it enough
-- but saying it in actions is even better. Here are some ways to say "I love you."
-- Behaving politely to your partner's friends and family.
-- Celebrating your partner's achievements, whether that means attending his work parties or throwing a big bash when she gets her plumbing license.
-- Offering emotional or practical support during rough times.
-- Sharing your expertise to make your partner's life better (changing the oil in his car, rewriting her resume).
-- Small gifts that show consideration for your partner's unique tastes and personality (for instance, remembering that she would rather have daffodils than roses, or keeping his favorite coffee on your shelf).

8 steamy date ideas for cold nights

2009-01-30T15:57:00.000-08:00

By CAITLIN LOSEY

Grab your significant other and try our fun tricks for stoking up some serious heat.

Make each other melt
You can't get sexier than strawberries (use chocolate-dipped ones - they're an aphrodisiac) and champagne in a hot bubble bath. Hint: Keep a bucket of ice cubes nearby when things get super-steamy.

Get limber for later
Climb out of bed on a weekend morning and take a hot yoga (Vinyasa or Bikram) class. Sharing a new experience together will bring you closer, and the bonus is your bodies will be primed for a hot "private" session later.

Steam up the kitchen
Cook dinner together using erotic ingredients that stimulate the libido, like oysters, figs and avocado (to name a few). Light candles and drink your favorite wine. Chances are you won't make it to dessert.

Sizzle at a spa
Treat yourselves to a day of double-relaxation. You can book almost any spa treatment together (hello, hot stone massage!).

Catch a sensual chill
Crack open your windows for an hour. Sounds crazy - but it won't be when you two dive under your duvet and generate natural body heat!

Feel warm and fuzzy
Get your butts off the sofa and do some volunteer work together. It's a great way to bond while doing something worthwhile. Carry that euphoric feel-good vibe home and get charitable between the sheets.

Create a VIP club
Who needs a bar to dance? Load your iPod with sexy tunes, from Kanye to Rihanna, and hook it up to the speakers in your pad. Bonus points for hanging a disco ball (find these cheap at stores like Wal-Mart, Target or your local party store) to get a club-like vibe.

Create a cozy retreat
We all made blanket forts when we were kids - now re-create it with a sexy twist. Line the floor of your living room with mountains of pillows, snuggle up and watch a sexy flick together.

(taken from CloveTwo , the Star.com.my)